The start of a new year is traditionally a time of resolution to live better, to be better. A tall order since it is, for many people, a season of grim weather and short, dismal days. Who can follow-through on a resolution not to curse when the car is buried in three feet of snow and the option to stay home is not possible? By March, vice nudges virtue out of the way so that, come December 31, you’re vowing once again to buckle down and improve your life.
Whenever I see the number 1 on my phone’s calendar, indicating a new month, I feel a swell of promise, see the prospect of a fresh start. I’ve been offered another chance to make up for the previous month’s setbacks. So I follow through. And my life is incrementally improved. I’ve achieved quite a few goals with this monthly reboot. It works. It’s practical.
It’s also b-o-r-i-n-g.
To counter this virtuous living, I offer a tongue-in-cheek monthly plan in which the only thing rebooted is my inner bad girl.
January: Decide resolutions are a waste of time and refuse to give anything up.
February: Eat the fricking box of Valentine’s Day chocolates already and fugettaboutit.
March: The weather can’t make up its mind so rebel. If the forecast promises sunshine and warmth but it’s as cold as a witch’s patootie, go back to bed. And stay there till the real spring arrives.
April: You do not have to put on a happy face when it’s been raining five days in a row.
May: Turn down invitations to graduations, weddings, bridal and baby showers if you feel like it. Who decided the month should be dedicated to social obligations (and a depleted banking account) anyway?
June: When kids say they’re bored because school is out, give them dirty looks. And a bucket and mop.
July: Curse the heat. It won’t change anything but you’ll feel cooler immediately.
August: Basically, sleep through this sucky month.
September: Throw a back-to-school party for the parents in the neighborhood, except the parents whose kids are overachievers and make everyone else’s look dumb.
October: Ditch all your obligations and responsibilities and do anything you want because the weather won’t get any better than this and you don’t want to miss a minute of it.
November: Fall into a turkey coma, get into a comfortable chair, and read until all the Christmas shopping is finished and the decorations are put up by elves. Just think. You may finally finish “Moby Dick.”
December: It may be nobler to give than to receive, but it’s a heck of a lot more fun to get, so resolve to be a good girl.
Start at the beginning of this plan and reread January.